


Mine

by Burgie



Category: Star Stable Online
Genre: M/M, tw suicide attempt
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-10-09
Updated: 2018-10-16
Packaged: 2019-07-28 20:25:24
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 2
Words: 9,703
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/16249175
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Burgie/pseuds/Burgie
Summary: Daine really thought that Ydris loved him. But does he really? Daine belongs to HellishSam and Willow (who appears for five seconds) belongs to willownorthbook, also Lion (who also appears for five seconds) belongs to inappropriatestarstable on tumblr. Astor belongs to SpaceUnicornDot.





	1. Mine

**Author's Note:**

  * For [HellishSam](https://archiveofourown.org/users/HellishSam/gifts).



The disco music was never what it should be in Fort Pinta, not anymore. Not since Daine and his group of friends had figured out how to hijack the sound system and had started to play their own music. Now, rather than Dolly Style or whoever the disco had decided to play this week, their fittingly-titled 'Thot Playlist' blared through the speakers, giving them something decent to dance to. Daine was more than happy to dance to this music, letting his hair down (metaphorically, anyway, his hair was always down) and just letting himself enjoy the music.

He didn't hear the sound of hoofbeats on cobblestones over the too-good beat of Womanizer by Britney Spears, too busy laughing and yelling the lyrics at Willow, joking that they were directed to a certain musician not far away up on Nilmer's Highland. Because that was what they did- they joked about it, laughed about it, teased Daine about how much of a playboy Ydris was. Because if he joked about it, maybe it wouldn't hurt so much.

And then, Daine saw him. A dark bay horse, still wearing his tack, was standing at the disco, leaning his head in so that the music blared in his ears. And somehow, even without asking, Daine knew. He felt cold, frozen, as he stopped and stared at Lionhunter, the horse belonging to the woman who was currently- who Ydris was currently-

Daine couldn't do anything, he could only stare as the lyrics sank into his mind, hurting more and more with how fitting they were.

Womanizer, womanizer, you're a womanizer baby

Cloud looked up from where he'd been dancing to the music, sensing the change in his rider. He looked, confused, and saw the horse that Daine was looking at. Cloud tilted his head to one side, trotting over to the Jorvik Warmblood gelding.

"Lion?" said Cloud. "Why is my rider upset?" He remembered, vaguely, Daine being this upset before, and he'd managed to piece together that it had something to do with the blonde-haired cowgirl (well, she wore a cowboy hat, so she was a cowgirl, right?) who rode Lion. "Is it something to do with your rider?"

"Yeah," said Lion. "And his boyfriend. They're-" Cloud pinned his ears as Lion explained, his eyes growing wide and his mouth dropping open. He gave a sharp whinny as Daine marched out of the disco, grabbing his bridle roughly.

"Daine?" Willow asked, noticing that her friend had gone silent. Normally, he exploded. Something was really wrong.

"I need to go home," said Daine, pulling himself up into Cloud's saddle. "Don't come after me."

Cloud could feel his rider burning with rage and nickered his concern, but Daine only clicked his tongue and rode down towards the ferry, hating the long wait for the ferry from South Hoof to arrive. His eyes were already burning with unshed tears. And he hated it, he hated crying over Ydris because he shouldn't be, he shouldn't have let himself get so attached but Ydris was the only one who understood him, who made him feel special, and now this. And sure, they'd had an 'arrangement' where they'd only sleep together, but Daine had thought that surely, after revealing his true self to Ydris, things would change, that they'd be exclusive. But apparently, Ydris didn't think so.

Once back on South Hoof's soil, Daine waited for the feeling of peace and calm to wash over him. But it didn't. Not even when he rode through the rescue ranch on his way up to his house. He felt like crying, but he certainly didn't feel calmer. Nothing was working.

"Maybe we could go for a ride?" Cloud suggested, his boyish voice making Daine want to relax. He shouldn't be around the precious boy when he felt like this.

"Not right now," said Daine, his voice sounding tight. "Later." He felt a tear slip down his cheek as he dismounted, leading Cloud into his stable. Cloud stretched his neck forward, his ears back and eyes huge in sympathy, but Daine only pressed his forehead to Cloud's muzzle for a second before closing the stall door and stepping away.

The night was dark and quiet. Peaceful. And yet somehow, Daine didn't stumble as he walked into his house, not touching anything as he went, and found his music room. He picked up his guitar, feeling the urge to scream, to play until his fingers bled, to get everything out until he felt blessedly empty and didn't feel anything anymore.

Daine's fingers found the strings by heart, slipping as they trembled slightly. But then, the chords came back to him and he began to play. Just sad at first, and then angry. As he played, he forgot all about the pain in his fingers, letting out the pain in his heart. Ydris always hurt him, he always did this, he didn't care, not really, even though he'd called Daine magnificent, even though he'd professed to care about him, even though he held him and kissed him so tenderly. How could Daine believe any of that now when Ydris was so clearly okay with fucking other people? He probably said that to everyone, said that they were special, that they were important. Hell, there were enough little doves, weren't there? What was a phoenix in a flock of doves?

"Special," Ydris' voice supplied him, the memory killing him all over again at the thought that he was over there, right now, that girl in his bed. He could see her blonde hair, see them on the bed that he and Ydris shared, had shared so many times now, could see Ydris grinning and calling her 'lionheart' and he just couldn't take it.

What was he to Ydris? Just a cheap fuck, just another admirer, just a fool who'd fallen in love and couldn't get out because that Pandorian fuck had taken over his mind?

"WHAT DO YOU WANT FROM ME?" Daine screamed into the night. His bloodied fingers slipped on the strings, adding a discordant note to the song, but Daine surged to his feet, annoyed that he'd let Ydris drive him to the point of sitting with his back against the wall, guitar on his lap, tears soaking into his hair, salt filling his mouth from the tears.

And now his performance changed, turning from sad strumming to angry screaming as he vented his frustrations into the night. He couldn't stand it, couldn't stand being here, at home, while Ydris was out with her. The tears continued to come, his hurt bleeding out just as his fingers bled onto the strings, his throat beginning to hurt but he didn't care, he just needed to let it all out, needed to let everyone hear how he truly felt. Even as his voice broke, he reached deeper, screaming louder, feeling it push away the pain for now.

Down the road, Louisa rolled over in bed, squinting at the brightly-glowing green numbers of the digital clock on her bedside table. It was three in the morning, and now he decided to scream? Sure, it had been a while since she'd woken up to this, but it still wasn't good to wake up to. She sighed, finding her glasses and getting out of bed. Lisa didn't stir, deep in sleep, which Louisa was glad for. Let her fiancee sleep. She made her way out of the house silently, stopping outside of Daine's front door in her nightgown, still barefoot. She raised her hand, about to call out to him or yell at him, but then she heard the lyrics that he was screaming. Heard how agonised he sounded. And she pressed her lips together, angry now at the reason for Daine's anger. He was hurting so much, the last thing he needed right now was to be yelled at. Turning, Louisa returned home, stuffing earplugs inside her ears so that she wouldn't be woken again. Her worries about Daine still kept her up for a while, though.

Daine screamed and played, knowing that he was playing the same chords over and over but it only added to his misery. Ydris was too far inside his head, there was no getting him out, but what was he supposed to do? How could he ever go on, move on, how could he cope, when he cared so much for the one who didn't care about him in the slightest? He wanted to hate Ydris, to just let him go and leave him, but he couldn't. Not when he loved him this much. Losing Ydris would be like losing half of his heart at this point, something that scared him. How could he have fallen this deep, this hard, for Ydris? How could he have let himself do that? Cole wouldn't have done this to him. And that thought was what finally broke Daine, what made the tears finally fall, what made him curl up and sob like his heart was breaking. Because it was true. If Cole was still alive, this wouldn't have happened. Sure, he might have ended up in Jorvik anyway, but he wouldn't have been stupid enough to fall in love with a player like Ydris. Because he would have had a loyal boyfriend in Cole. Right now, he missed Cole more than ever.

Eventually, Daine passed out, his voice gone, his throat feeling like it had been shredded, his fingers cut open and bleeding everywhere. But he didn't have the energy to bandage them yet, not even to clean the blood and tears off his guitar. Later. He could do that-

The next morning, Daine couldn't speak. He stared at himself bleakly in the mirror as he bandaged his fingers. His eyes looked dead, red-rimmed and puffy from crying. His face felt swollen. And he didn't feel any better. Hell, he certainly hadn't slept well, and waking up with a pounding headache from dehydration didn't help. Treating said dehydration with alcohol also didn't help, but he needed the burn. Finishing up with his fingers at last and ignoring the bloodied tissues in the sink, Daine picked up his bottle of vodka and took a long swig. The burn on his poor throat brought tears to his eyes.

Vodka still in hand, Daine returned to his living room, sinking down into his couch. At least the bottle was cold against his burning fingers. He held the other bottle, the unopened one, against his throat, closing his eyes against the burn. His skin usually only burned like this when he was in what Ydris called 'phoenix mode'. That name made him cry silently again, tipping his head back against the back of the couch. Fuck, he wanted Ydris. Needed him. And he knew that Ydris would probably be expecting him, just like he expected him every day. Like nothing had happened, like he hadn't been-

Louisa stood outside Daine's front door again, determined to knock this time. But then she heard a quiet sob, the kind that spoke of nothing but pure heartbreak. She'd heard that before. And she let her hand fall from where it had been curled into a fist to knock, instead putting it on the doorhandle. She pushed the door open and walked in, the knowledge of Daine's pain urging her on despite her usually-shy tendencies. She frowned at the bottles of vodka that he was using for 'hydration' and to cool himself off, heading into his kitchen to see if he had any bottled water. Unlikely, but it was a possibility.

There was a water jug, but it was frozen, shoved to the back of the fridge, so Louisa broke off the larger bits of ice and refilled it with water from the tap. The water here was fine, it was oddly sweet. And certainly much better than vodka. The jug in one hand and a glass in the other, Louisa walked back out of Daine's messy kitchen and stopped in front of him.

"Daine," she said, nudging his foot with the toe of her boot.

"Fuck off," Daine tried to say, but only the second word came out. Louisa sighed, sitting down beside him and pouring a glass of water for him. She held it out towards him. Daine kept his eyes closed, turning his head away from her. Louisa wished that she had a bottle of water now.

"Drink this," said Louisa. "It should at least help with your dehydration." Because she could see it, his skin looked dry. And maybe, with his fire powers, he'd be more susceptible to it.

"…want your fuckin' water," Daine rasped, opening his eyes to glare at her. He looked away from the concern on her face. He didn't deserve her concern, he deserved to feel like this. He was the idiot who'd fallen in love with a playboy. Willow had warned him, and she'd been right, and he hadn't listened. And fuck, of course Willow would know a cheater when she saw one. The thought sent fresh pain through him.

"Too bad," said Louisa, shoving the glass towards him. "Drink."

"No," said Daine, trying to raise his voice and wincing. He pressed his hand to his throat, dropping the bottle of vodka. At least it was the unopened one. Louisa caught it, putting it on the nearby coffee table.

"Don't make me pour it in your mouth, because I'll do it," said Louisa.

"…mother," Daine whispered, frowning against the pain in his throat. Louisa frowned, pressing the glass to his lips.

"I am now," said Louisa, knowing what he'd been saying. "Now, drink and I'll heal your fingers."

"Fine," said Daine, snatching the glass and taking a sip. He winced as he swallowed. Without the burn, all he could feel was the burn of his throat.

"And when you're hydrated, you can have some honey tea," said Louisa.

"I'm the idiot who got myself into this mess," said Daine, his voice still so quiet that it was barely audible. But Louisa could still hear him.

"Maybe, but something must've caused that," said Louisa. "You seemed so happy lately. What happened?"

"Nothing," said Daine, staring down at his lap. "Willow was right about Ydris, that's all."

"He's about as trustworthy as a fox in a henhouse, definitely," said Louisa. She took one of Daine's hands, sending her healing magic into his fingertips. Daine winced at the slight burn. He'd tried disinfecting them, but he guessed that cuts would always hurt. Not even Ydris, as magical as he was, had been able to heal without Daine feeling some small amount of pain. Daine closed his eyes against more tears, gritting his teeth. Damn it. This was what he got for letting himself fall in love, he got hurt.

"You're right, too," said Daine, much as it hurt him to say the words out loud. "I do love him. Not that he gives a shit."

"He cares," said Louisa. Daine snorted, even as it hurt his throat like hell.

"…cared, …wouldn't be… her!" Daine managed to rasp out, his throat killing him more and more as he tried to yell. He panted, tears running down his cheeks. He was trembling. He took another swig of the vodka, spilling half of it down his chin, and didn't complain when Louisa took it away from him and took his other hand to begin healing it. His chest hurt too much, the emotions too intense. He didn't want to feel like this, he hated it, but was there really anything he could do about it?

"Does he know how you feel?" asked Louisa. Daine didn't answer, only hung his head lower, and that told her everything.

"I should've told him," Daine whispered. "Then he wouldn't- but maybe he would- but." He closed his eyes, trying to focus on his breathing even as his throat felt like it was closing up. Louisa took his hands in hers, but not to heal this time.

"Someone needs to tell him," said Louisa.

"He won't listen," said Daine. Or maybe it was just that he didn't want Ydris to listen. Maybe Ydris should leave him, should have fun, shouldn't be shackled to some freak for the rest of his life. It had been a stupid thought to start with.

"He might," said Louisa. Daine rolled his eyes, his throat too sore to scoff. Louisa was stupid in her optimism sometimes. People didn't change, especially people like Ydris. Certainly not for freaks like him.

"You can leave me alone if you want," said Daine. "I know you worry, but I'm not gonna do anything stupid."

"Forgive me if I don't believe you," said Louisa. Daine gave her a look.

"I'm fine," said Daine, even as he felt anything but.

"I've never seen anything less fine in my life," said Louisa. "But okay, if you need space, I'll give it to you. Just call me if you need anything, okay?"

"Fine, ma," said Daine, sipping again at his water. He watched Louisa leave, keeping himself composed as she walked out of the house. And then, he broke down again, burying his head in his hands as he sobbed, leaving the water and glass on the coffee table. His heart was aching, breaking, there was nothing he could do about it. But he didn't want anyone to see him cry, to see how broken he truly was from this. Because he deserved it, for falling in love with that asshole.

The sound of crying carried outside, Louisa frowning as she looked back at the house. She walked down to her stable, her mind made up, and greeted her Goldmist with a kiss on his snout. Goldie looked at her, pricking his ears up.

"We're going to see Ydris again," said Louisa, grabbing Goldie's tack set. Goldie snorted, swishing his tail.

"Druid business?" asked Goldie.

"Not this time," said Louisa. "It's one of my friends."

"Oh," said Goldie as Louisa mounted him. It was an easy ride across South Hoof, though Louisa still worried about Daine. She knew that it would probably be fine, or at least, she kept telling herself that.

Louisa wasn't surprised to see how busy Nilmer's Highland was, but it only fueled her anger. Especially as she saw Ydris flirting with one of the many girls who surrounded him on a daily basis. She growled, leaving Goldmist a little away from the crowd as she dismounted and walked over to the magician. She wanted to slap him, but he was too tall, and she wasn't much good with kicking. In her golden horse form, which somehow helped with training her own horses, she could have easily reared over him to at least frighten him. But in this form, all she could do was glare at him.

"Ah, little emu," said Ydris, looking down at her with delight in his eyes. "Have you come for another fortune?"

"No," said Louisa. "But come into the fortune tent anyway."

"Oh?" said Ydris, sounding eager. Louisa wanted to scream at him, the urge to slap him growing. But she didn't get her chance until they were inside the tiny fortune teller's tent, Ydris looming over the table. Louisa remained standing for a moment, though, reaching across the table to slap him. Ydris gasped in shock, putting his hand to his cheek.

"Little emu, whatever was that for?" asked Ydris, his eyes widening.

"Daine!" said Louisa.

"Oh," said Ydris. "What about him? Are his stunning good looks sending you into a tizzy again?"

"No!" said Louisa, trembling with anger and emotion. "He loves you, you idiot, and you don't care!"

"Oh, I know that," said Ydris, leaning back in his seat and smiling. "He is but one of many of my admirers."

"You've lost him," said Louisa. Ydris looked surprised.

"What?" Ydris asked.

"He's sick of you not loving him," said Louisa. "And before you say that you do, he can't see that. Not when you're flirting with everyone and sleeping with everyone who comes calling."

"But who am I to turn aside those who seek me?" asked Ydris.

"A loyal boyfriend!" Louisa almost screamed at him. "You've got no idea what you're doing to him, do you?"

"I know that I am capable of driving him to the brink," said Ydris. Louisa glared at him.

"You know that's not what I meant," said Louisa. "I know when you've done something to upset him when he comes home and stays up until 3am playing screamo music."

"Our relationship is a little volatile at times," said Ydris, remembering when Daine had confronted him about constantly teleporting him to Nilmer's Highland.

"It shouldn't be like that," said Louisa. "It's not a healthy relationship, Ydris. Not that you hit him or anything, because I would kill you on the spot if you did that, but you're playing with his heart."

"Well, I apologise," said Ydris.

"It's not me you need to apologise to," said Louisa. "And an apology won't be enough. You need to show him how sorry you are."

"With flowers?" Ydris asked. Louisa wanted to hit him again.

"No," said Louisa. "Show him with your actions. Reject the advances of everyone, and be loyal to him. Look, I have no idea what's going on between you two but whatever it is, it's hurting Daine. And I don't think you get that."

"But he dances with others so amorously," said Ydris.

"He does that to get back at you!" said Louisa. "And because it's fun, and because you don't have a problem with it. Do you?"

"Of course not," said Ydris, leaning back and crossing his legs on the table to one side of the crystal ball. Fortunately, the candles snuffed out before they hit the ground. "I do so love to see my phoenix in the company of others, to make claiming him back later feel even better."

"I didn't think so," said Louisa. "But Daine does, and you don't get that. Do you care about him?" Ydris put his feet back down, leaning forward with his chin on his laced fingers as he stared into her eyes intensely.

"I care about him far more than anyone believes," said Ydris. "He is special, important. He doesn't deserve this."

"You're damn right he doesn't," said Louisa. "So go and tell him. Stop flirting with everyone, stop fucking everyone, cancel your arrangement with Ariana. And tell your phoenix how you feel, before you lose him for good." With that said, she stood up and left the fortune teller's tent. Ydris watched her go, staring after her.

Daine hated the way his heart jumped in his chest when a knock came on his door later that day. But it still wasn't enough to get him out of bed. He felt weak for going to bed so early, the sun barely set, but he saw no reason to stay up. Didn't really see any reason to keep going at all. He just wanted to sleep forever. Maybe, if he slept long enough, he'd join Cole. Maybe then, he'd finally be truly happy.

Another knock came, and Daine groaned and buried his head in his pillow.

"Go away," Daine muttered.

"Daniel, I value your privacy, but I cannot simply stand idly by and watch you destroy yourself." Astor's voice was almost a relief.

"Fuck off, I don't want company right now," Daine grumbled.

"What you want and what you need are two very different things, Daniel," said Astor, his voice much closer now. Daine glared at him through bleary eyes.

"Well, what the fuck do you want?" Daine asked.

"i want to talk to you," said Astor. "I'm worried about you."

"I don't need your pity," said Daine, almost sneering the words at him. "I'm fine."

"You haven't left your house in three days," said Astor. He sounded so serious that Daine snatched up his phone, staring blearily at the screen. He was right. Panic gripped Daine, making his chest feel tight, launching his heart and stomach into his mouth. "Breathe, Daine, breathe." Astor rubbed Daine's back, and Daine finally began to suck in lungfuls of air. Three days. How had he not noticed? Was that his Pandorian side? And now he couldn't even ask because just thinking that word made his heart threaten to cave in. He couldn't ask Ydris about that, either, not anymore. Maybe not ever again. He was lost now, adrift in the world, nobody to guide him, nobody to give him advice or anything.

"What am I gonna do?' Daine asked, looking up at Astor. "I can't keep going like this, not when I've lost someone else. Maybe it'd be better if he was dead, maybe it'd be better if I was dead, it should've been me all those years ago..."

"Don't speak like that," said Astor, gabbing Daine's wrists. "Don't you ever speak like that, Daniel. Your life is far more precious than you know."

"My life was better with Cole," said Daine, snatching his hands away. "I want to be with him again."

"And what about your friends, huh?" said Astor. "What about me? I've lost enough in my life, I'm not about to lose one of my children."

"Yeah, because I'm such a great son," said Daine. "I do stupid shit all the time, I always fuck up, and this is the worst yet."

"You can't just throw your life away over some boy!" said Astor. "And yes, I know he means so much more than that to you, but he is just a man when it comes right down to it. There will be others. Trust me- I should know."

"I don't want anyone else, I just want him!" Daine roared at him. "And he doesn't want me. Not in the way I want him to." The tears were flowing freely now, his heart cracking open.

This time, Daine didn't fight Astor's embrace, didn't even try to push him away. He just cried as Astor held him. The closest thing to a father figure that Daine had ever had, and he'd wanted to just abandon him.

"Put the bottle down, at least," said Astor softly. "Please."

"I can't," said Daine, his voice tight. "It's the only thing calming me down right now. I can't even have my favourite smokes because they remind me of him."

"In withdrawal in more than one sense of the word, huh?" said Astor, rubbing Daine's back. "I've been there. I've also been where you are now."

"What, used? Heartbroken? Cheated on?" Daine asked.

"Not all at once but yes," said Astor. "But I got past it. Things did get better. I have loved and I have lost so much, and I have my regrets, and yes, I have wanted to end it. But I never did."

"That's because you're stronger than me," said Daine.

"No," said Astor. "It's because I had people surrounding me who told me to never give up. Who told me to keep fighting. Look at this as a fight- you can fight or you can give in, let it beat you, let it snuff out your light."

"I just want to sleep," said Daine, closing his eyes. "I'm just... so tired." He'd never felt so tired in his life.

"Then sleep," said Astor. "And for your own sake, if nobody else's, keep living. I'll have Louisa check up on you hourly."

"No, don't bother her with this mess," said Daine.

"Tough, she's already meddled," said Astor. "She went to see magic man himself. Gave him quite a serving, too, from what I heard."

"Of course she did," said Daine with a sigh. "It's okay, you don't need to put me on suicide watch. I can't do that to my friends or to you."

"Good," said Astor, pulling away and patting Daine's shoulder. "But I'll still have her check up on you every morning. Or someone can, if not her."

"Great," said Daine, fighting the urge to roll his eyes. He didn't want everyone else seeing him so miserable. But it seemed that he'd have no choice. Friends were such a pain in the ass, Daine didn't know what he'd do without them.

Even with Louisa's words, her warning, Ydris didn't believe her. Surely, he thought, his phoenix would come back. But he didn't. Days passed without Daine even coming near the Highland. In fact, Ydris didn't hear of him being anywhere else on the island. He almost wished that he had some kind of bond to Daine, a tether that would let him know what his phoenix was thinking or feeling or even where he was.

The only upside, if there could be an upside, was that Ydris no longer had time for his admirers. He didn't even sleep, too worried about his phoenix. Had that light, that precious, burning light, gone out? As he stared at the phone that Daine had given him, he saw it light up with a name. The lionheart. He wanted to answer, wanted to invite her in to distract himself, but…

A gloved finger swiped across the screen, ending the call before it could even begin.

It was raining. Ordinarily, Ydris would have remained inside of his wagon on a day such as this, not wanting to sully his boots with mud or drench his suit. The night had never seemed so dark, so bleak. But his life, his bed, had been cold without his phoenix here beside him. Zee looked up when Ydris stepped inside the circus tent, surprised at seeing her rider come to fetch her so late. She gave a nicker, asking him where the phoenix was, the sweet winged horse who had often kept her company. She'd teased him a few times, trying to explain to him what the two men were doing, but she was rather fond of him.

"I don't know, my darling Zee," said Ydris, caressing her cheek. "But I will go and find him, if you will carry me." Zee looked outside at the rain, shaking her head. "Oh, please, darling Zee, you wouldn't truly force me to slog through the mud and rain all the way over to South Hoof, would you?" But Zee gave him a steady look, and Ydris recalled Louisa's words.

"Show him you care."

Well, what better way to show him than to dirty himself? It usually worked, after all. At least, it did in films and TV shows.

"Very well," said Ydris. "I will crawl to him on my hands and knees through the mud." He grimaced at the thought, already imagining the work that he'd have to do to get the mud out of his fine purple clothing, how much he'd need to polish his boots to clean them.

Ydris braced himself for a moment and then stepped out from under the tent and into the rain, flinching at the feeling of cold water running down his skin. He hated getting wet.

South Hoof was too wet and muddy, and there weren't enough lights. Ydris grimaced as he slogged through the mud, mud already sticking to his boots and splattering up onto his pants. He sighed as he stepped into another mud puddle. At least there were no vehicles to come past and splash him with filthy road water. No riders, either, this late at night. Though, a horse did run past. Ydris grumbled, thinking that it was just another native pony of this island. But no, his heart almost stopped as he caught sight of it. A black horse just beginning to dapple, looking beautiful even in the rain.

"Cloud?" Ydris whispered. But no, this horse didn't have the wings. Instead, it seemed to have a different kind of intelligence. Oh. Right. Louisa lived over here, of course she did. That was probably how she'd known just how upset Daine was, along with being his friend. Ydris felt bad again, but he'd been feeling bad a lot lately. Utterly wretched, as he called it. Perhaps he did deserve Daine leaving him. Just as long as-

Ydris crushed that thought before it could rise up and encompass him. Daine was sad, yes, but not that sad. He wouldn't take his life. Would he? Ydris hurried his feet anyway, hoping that his worst fears would not be realised. He was also kicking himself, for not knowing where his phoenix lived. They'd only been intimate for how long now? And Daine had come to him every time, not the other way around. That was unfair.

"I don't suppose," said Ydris, stopping near a paddock of sleepy, wet horses, "that any of you could tell me where my phoenix lives?" The horses ignored him. One walked away, revealing a horse that glittered like the night sky, appearing to glow even in the dark. Ydris gasped at the stars swirling in the stallion's coat. Here was a true beauty, just like his Zee. He wondered if perhaps the owner knew that the horse looked like this, or if they had no idea of the treasure that they had.

But Ydris was distracting himself, and he knew it. Besides, the rain was soaking into him now, and it felt distinctly uncomfortable. So he continued on, his heart thudding as he made his way up the road. It was loosely cobblestoned, turning into soft shoulders at the edges. Ydris was glad that he wouldn't have to slog through the mud on the side of the road. A small mercy. Though perhaps he deserved to do that.

Now that he'd been without Daine for a while, Ydris realised just how much he'd missed him. He did love Daine, truly, he just couldn't let himself feel that. He refused to. He'd never fallen in love before. But at least Daine wasn't entirely human. But maybe that made no difference. Pandoria had still hurt Daine, after all, hadn't it? But he was part Pandorian, it shouldn't have hurt him.

Ydris was surprised to find himself crying, but it wasn't rainwater that slipped down his cheek. He looked at his fingers in confusion, as though he could see the teardrop on it. In his mind's eye, he could. Oh no. He had fallen for Daine, just as much as Daine had fallen for him. Well, probably not as much, given his proclivities for the flesh of others. But close. Too close for comfort. He loved Daine, and the idea of losing him... it hurt.

When he'd set foot on Jorvik, Ydris hadn't wanted anyone to love him, for him to fall in love with anyone. It would be too hard, he knew, when he would have to destroy their world. And he couldn't take anyone back to Pandoria with him, it would only hurt them. How could he destroy the world if it was the only place where the one he loved could safely live?

And then Daine had come along. His phoenix, the one who burned brighter than he'd ever seen. Brighter than Pandorian lava. He was almost blinding to look at in his true form. But that was all that Ydris could see of his true form at first- bright flame, tinged with pink. And Ydris had thought that maybe... maybe it would be okay. If Daine burned with Pandorian fire, if he had such strong Pandorian energy about him, maybe he could come back to Pandoria with Daine. And then Daine had gone to Pandoria and had returned home in Ydris' arms, half-dead.

It was the first time that Ydris had felt truly torn. He wanted to take Daine back to Pandoria, had already decided on it during their lessons, but he couldn't if Pandoria hurt Daine this much. He'd sat up all night, watching Daine sleep, fretting over what he might do. Perhaps that was why he'd turned to other people to satisfy his urges. Because he couldn't get too attached. And maybe he wanted Daine to leave him, to love someone else. It would be easier that way.

And yet. Here he was, standing in front of the door that he knew to be Daine's. He'd seen 'Mountainhome' on the mailbox, so he knew that he was in the right place. Standing here, rainwater dripping from his clothing, sodden wet, mud splattered up to his knees. He felt like he should be holding a bouquet of flowers.

Daine looked up at a knock on the door. He frowned, setting down his bottle of Pandorian ale. He'd run out of vodka yesterday and had started on this, even though the memories it brought up threatened to crush him. But he needed something, anything, to make the pain go away. He rose to his feet, wobbling slightly. He stumbled across the living room, opening the front door. The sight of who was there almost made him fall over, but he just furrowed his brow as he looked up at his tall visitor. His heart ached.

"My phoenix," said Ydris, sounding as sweet as ever. "May I come in?"

And Daine didn't want to, he wanted to slam the door in Ydris' face, wanted to tell him to fuck off, wanted him to not be here. But instead, and maybe it was the rain, maybe it was the sincere look on Ydris' face, maybe it was just his stupid heart, Daine took a step back to admit him entrance.

"Sure," said Daine. "Why not?"

It looked obscure, to have Ydris standing in his living room. He was too tall, his head almost touching the ceiling. He took his hat off, holding it in his hands. His hair was plastered to his skull from the rain.

"I'd ask you to take a seat but you're fucking saturated," said Daine. "You can stand." He sat back down, picking up the Pandorian ale again. Ydris winced, raising his hand. Daine frowned at him. "Turn it into water and it's going up your ass."

"Very well," said Ydris, letting his hand drop. "I came to talk."

"About what?" asked Daine. Ydris looked at his feet for a moment, then brought his eyes to meet Daine's. Daine was surprised by the sincerity he found there, the hurt.

"I do care about you, my phoenix," said Ydris.

"You've got a funny way of showing it," said Daine.

"I know," said Ydris. "And I could not be more sorry. Truly. It is not that I do not love you. Because I do." Daine drank to disguise the tears burning in his eyes.

"Did Louisa talk to you?" asked Daine. "She probably did. I thought she was going to."

"She did," said Ydris. "And she made some things abundantly clear to me."

"You didn't know that I loved you before?" asked Daine. "Fuck, you're stupid."

"Yes, I am," said Ydris. "And I knew that you felt fond of me." Anger flared in Daine's eyes as he stood, the bottle falling from his hand and spilling Pandorian ale onto the carpet and couch. But Daine barely registered that as his body burned with anger.

"You knew?" Daine asked, almost whispered. And then, louder: "You KNEW?!" Ydris flinched as Daine grabbed the front of his shirt, pulling the magician closer until they were nose to nose. But it wasn't tenderness that was on Daine's features. Ydris had never seen him so angry before, and his heart raced. "Of course I love you, you fucking idiot, how could you not know? I've loved you since the moment I first laid eyes on your stupid face, even when I shouldn't, even when everyone told me that I should stay away from you! And they were right! You're a player, you don't care about me or Ariana or anyone but yourself! But I can't stop loving you, I can't stop feeling this way, and it's been killing me."

"My phoenix, I'm sorry," said Ydris. At the name, Daine saw red. Without even thinking, his fist flew out, and he was only vaguely aware of the dull throbbing in his knuckles and the red mark forming on Ydris' jaw, the blood trickling from where his teeth had broken the skin of his lip.

"Oh yeah, you're so fucking sorry, you crawled all the way here through the mud. For what? Because you miss your booty call? Because you sure as hell don't miss me." Tears burned Daine's eyes, but he couldn't bring himself to look Ydris in the eyes. Not with that mark on his face.

"I do miss you, Daniel," said Ydris. Daine turned his head away so that Ydris didn't see the tears gather in his eyes, the hurt on his face.

"Is that why you cheated?" asked Daine, though his voice was wobbly now. Ydris flinched, though the term was correct. And deserved. Good. He should hurt.

"I knew, when I came to Jorvik, that the humans would be fond of me," said Ydris. "But I also know that humans cannot survive in Pandoria. And so I decided to reject any romantic feelings. I told myself that I would not fall in love with a human."

"I'm not human," said Daine.

"But Pandoria still hurts you," said Ydris. "Every time you go there, you come home bloody and beaten."

"Shows how well you know me," said Daine. "I'm a fighter. Thought you'd be able to gather that from my various scars. I come home all bloody because I fight my way into bad situations and I fight my way back out of them. I'm not some broken little thing, Ydris, I'm stronger than you know." Except when it came to this, apparently.

"Oh," said Ydris, his thoughts coming to a grinding halt. "Then..."

"Yeah," said Daine, holding his gaze. "You're a fucking idiot."

"This changes things," said Ydris, sinking down on the couch. Daine grumbled about the water soaking into his couch, but Ydris cast a spell to dry both the couch and himself. He also got rid of Daine's inebriation while he was at it.

"Oh, fuck you," said Daine. It reminded him of when Cole had replaced Daine's 'water' bottle with an actual water bottle when he'd been in school. The memories only worsened the cracks appearing in the walls that he'd built around his heart since Cole had died.

"I want you sober to hear what I'm about to tell you," said Ydris. Daine waited.

"I'm listening," said Daine.

"I have been a fool," said Ydris, bowing his head in submission. Daine watched him, trying to will himself not to crack, not to break. It almost worked, until Ydris looked at him. Being caught in that bi-coloured, purple-tinged gaze made Daine feel like the world had fallen out from under him. "And I do not deserve your forgiveness. But I can promise you that I have stopped, and will continue to stop, encouraging the affections of my many admirers."

Daine stared into Ydris' eyes, feeling like he was breaking all over again. His chest felt like it was crushed, like he couldn't breathe. Tears rolled down his cheeks, and when he finally did take a breath, a sob came out.

"May I?" Ydris asked, holding his arms out. Against his better judgement, Daine threw himself into Ydris' arms, clutching to him tightly as he sobbed into his shoulder. Every time Ydris hurt him, Daine just kept coming back. Maybe it was because of how much of a masochist he was, maybe he just couldn't stand being away from Ydris, maybe he was in too deep, maybe he was just an idiot.

But this time... maybe it was the sincerity in Ydris' eyes or maybe it was just from being away from him for so long, but Daine believed him. And he let himself sink into Ydris' embrace, let himself believe him. Because maybe this time, it would be different. Maybe Ydris would change, would stop being such a player, maybe Daine could finally trust him.

"If you hurt me again," Daine whispered into Ydris' shoulder, the tears leaving him feeling empty, "I'll burn you alive."

"I will deserve it, I can assure you," said Ydris. He stroked his hand down over Daine's hair, continuing down his back. "I will no longer be a fool."

"I'm the fool," said Daine. "Falling in love with a player like you. Trusting you when everyone else tells me not to. Coming back to you."

"Daine," said Ydris, the use of his name grounding Daine better than anything else. "I will do everything in my power to never hurt you again. I will even return to Pandoria early, with you. I do not need to watch this world burn."

"Why, because you can watch me burn instead?" Daine asked. Ydris shook his head.

"You are more than enough spectacle for me," said Ydris. "And I hope that when you trust me again, you will return to Pandoria with me. Permanently."

"Just... stop being such a player," said Daine. "It hurts."

"I sometimes forget that I am not the same as everyone else," said Ydris. "But I am learning. I only hope that you have the patience to remain with me until I figure... this out."

"As long as there is a 'this'," said Daine. "Or an 'us'. I know we had an arrangement and feelings weren't meant to get involved but they did and... I want more." He trembled slightly, waiting for Ydris' response.

"Us," said Ydris, trying the word on his tongue. He nodded. "Yes. If you will have me."

"It has to be only me, though," said Daine.

"Of course," said Ydris. "Only you, my phoenix."

"Then yeah, I'll have you," said Daine. He felt like he might smile, for the first time in days. The first time since the disco.

"Very good," said Ydris. "May I kiss you?"

"Don't push your luck," said Daine, but he accepted Ydris' kiss anyway. He tasted like... strawberries and cigarettes.


	2. Alternate Ending

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> I was holding back on the dark before, HAVE SOME ANGST.

When Ydris didn’t come, Daine wasn’t surprised. Upset, yes. Confused, yes. Crying into his pillow? Definitely. But no, not surprised. It just confirmed what he’d always known, deep down- that Ydris didn’t care about him. Figures. Nobody did, not really.

The first night, Daine stood in front of his bathroom mirror, staring blankly at the face that stared back at him. His eyes looked normal, at least. But, in Daine’s imagination, he could see what they really looked like. See the lines decorating his skin, so beautiful. So… weird. Daine looked away, shaking his head. When he looked back, his eyes, the lines, were still there. And he hated them. Worse, now he could see his wings, too, the ones that never appeared anymore after Garnok had torn them off. The horns, though. They were the worst.

He really was a monster. No wonder Ydris didn’t love him.

Though Daine didn’t make a habit of shaving (waxing was preferable), he still kept a pack of razors in the cabinet behind the bathroom mirror to manage his facial hair. He opened the cabinet and grabbed the packet, tearing it open with claws that didn’t belong to him and scattering the razors all over the floor. He ignored this, though. He only needed one.

One cut. Just the one. A tally of every day that Ydris wasn’t with him. A tally of every day that Ydris didn’t… didn’t love him.

Blue blood dripped into the white porcelain basin, dripping from Daine’s freshly-cut fingers thanks to gripping the razor blade. More followed, flowing from the slightly-deeper cut in Daine’s wrist. And Daine felt better, even as the throbbing pain set in. Good. He deserved to hurt. It was exactly what a monster like him deserved. And besides, it made him feel better. For now.

Another cut appeared just above the first one, further up Daine’s arm, the next night. He’d wait until he had to cross through the tally. And then… then, it would be time.

Even if part of Daine hoped, probably stupidly, that Ydris would come back before then. Come back and save him from himself.

Five days passed. As rain pelted down outside, Daine stood in front of his bathroom mirror again, feeling weak, his heart seeming sluggish in his chest. So it was true, then. Ydris didn’t love him. Willow had been right. Everyone had been right. About him, the monster. About Ydris, the playboy Pandorian. About how they didn’t belong together. 

Tears blurred Daine’s eyes as he looked down at his wrist, the four marks still there in various stages of healing. He’d hidden them well, beneath long sleeves. Sure, he could have had them healed, but… no. Anyone with eyes knew what self-harm scars looked like, they’d take him to get help or something. But he didn’t need help, he needed Ydris, and Ydris wasn’t coming.

A broken-sounding sob passed Daine’s lips as he opened his wrists, pouring out the pain. It didn’t go unnoticed.

When Ydris couldn’t find Daine immediately, he panicked. Daine wasn’t in his bedroom, either, but he could still hear him. Hear the tortured sobs of a broken phoenix. A broken man. What had he done?

“Daine?” Ydris called. Daine heard him, the sound sending fresh anger through him. He screamed his frustration, throwing his fist forward in a gesture he’d done many times before, punching walls to feel better. And hell, the broken shards of mirror sticking out of his knuckles did make him feel better. He plucked out one of the longer shards, not minding how it dug into his palm. It wouldn’t matter soon, anyway.

Maybe enough pain would get Ydris’ voice out of his fucking head.

So caught up with his pain was he that Daine didn’t hear the bathroom door open as Ydris burst in. But Ydris saw the blood first. And then, he saw the mirror shard slicing down Daine’s forearm, spilling more of his blood onto the floor. His shirt and sweatpants were already drenched in it.

“Daine!” Ydris cried out, his eyes wide. He stretched his arm out, removing the shards of mirror with a spell.

“Fuck, why won’t you just leave me alone!” Daine screamed at him, taking a step towards the cause of all this pain. His head swam, his foot slipping in his own blood. But Daine barely made a sound as he fell, already weak and woozy from too much blood loss. He was barely aware of the coppery tang of his blood, or of the feeling of it soaking into his clothing and hair. He closed his eyes on the sight of Ydris. Let that be the last thing he saw. It was nothing less than he deserved.

“My phoenix, I’m so sorry,” Ydris whispered, more tears on his cheeks as he looked down at the fading form of Daine. He was so pale, the dark blue blood stark against his skin. Against the white tiles. The entire room reeked of blood, and Ydris couldn’t stand it. But he couldn’t waste magic on cleaning.

Quickly, Ydris searched his brain for a healing spell, finding one frightfully slowly. Daine was bleeding out in his arms, and there was nothing he could do. Oh, of course, he could seek the help of one of Daine’s friends, but they would only alert the human doctors. And nobody could take his phoenix away.

Ydris’ boots skidded in the blood a little as he stood but he managed to maintain his footing, even with the weight of his phoenix, his entire world, in his arms. But Daine felt frightfully light. Weak. Small. Hardly the wondrous being that Ydris knew Daine was capable of being. He hated to waste magic on a teleport, especially when this stupid island left him weak, but Daine wouldn’t make it back to his wagon if he walked, and he knew it. A few drops of blood fell as they left, falling on the floor in an empty house.

The smell of burning candles was the first thing that greeted Daine. Was he at his funeral? There wasn’t much crying, if that was the case. But then, the pain returned, the aching in his arms so deep that he cried out in agony. Or tried to, his mouth was too dry to manage much more than a strangled squeaky noise.

“Daine?” The sound of his voice made Daine not want to open his eyes. Why the hell was Ydris here? But then, at a painful touch on his arm, Daine opened his eyes with a groan of pain. And there was Ydris, of course. But he looked… haggard.

“No,” said Daine, looking away from him. He tried to turn over, but his arms hurt too much. He sat up and immediately regretted it, his head swimming. Groaning, he flopped back down, his pulse feeling weak.

“My phoenix, please, talk to me,” said Ydris.

“Can’t,” said Daine. A bottle of water materialised next to him, making him frown. “And how am I supposed to drink when I can’t sit up?”

“Allow me to assist you,” said Ydris. “If you will accept my help.”

“Fine,” Daine spat. He ignored how good it felt to have Ydris gently supporting his body as he sipped at the water. He didn’t feel any better even after finishing the bottle, though his throat and mouth felt better. Less dry.

“Was it… my fault?” Ydris asked, struggling to meet Daine’s eyes.

“Yes,” said Daine. He felt stupid, now. Trying to kill himself over a guy, what a pathetic idiot. He really was a lost cause. He looked away from Ydris’ broken expression, his gaze landing on his bandaged forearms. One of his hands had also been bandaged.

“Why?” Ydris asked, such hurt in his voice that Daine almost felt sorry for him.

“You made me feel special,” said Daine, tears slipping unbidden down his cheeks. “And then you took someone else into your bed. Do you have any idea how much that hurts?” As he spoke, his emotions grew stronger until an undercurrent of pain laced his words.

“My phoenix, I-“ Ydris started, but Daine cut him off with a glare.

“How can I be yours if you’re not mine?” Daine asked, his voice cracking, breaking. “It doesn’t work like that, Ydris!”

“I can explain,” said Ydris, his voice strained. Daine continued glaring at him.

“You’re lucky I’m too weak to walk,” said Daine. “Or I’d leave now and spare you the trouble. Start talking.”

“Thank you,” said Ydris, closing his eyes. When he opened them, there was a passion there that Daine hadn’t seen before. For a moment, he lowered his guard, let himself believe, fall into that trap again.

“As you know, I am a Pandorian,” said Ydris. “Like you. When I came to Jorvik, though, my initial plan was to destroy it. Bring about its destruction, so that my world could come through and begin anew. I didn’t expect to fall in love. Certainly not with what I at first thought was a human man. But I did. And it scared me, the depth of my feelings. When you returned them, I wanted to try to forget about you. But I couldn’t. No matter how many people I slept with, flirted with, I couldn’t forget you. But I also desperately didn’t want to love you. Love complicated things, it conflicted with my plans. But even though I couldn’t make myself fall out of love, I could make you fall out of love. Or at least try to. And I saw that it was hurting you terribly. So I continued.”

Hot anger blazed through Daine, the kind that would have ordinarily made him burst into flames. But that spark was gone now. He was too weak to manage even the eyes.

“You’re right,” said Daine, his voice thick with emotion. “I’m not the monster. You are.”

“Please, let me finish,” said Ydris, tears in his eyes as he held his hand out. Daine let him, even as Ydris’ words broke him all over again. Why save him if he didn’t care so much? 

“But these past few days without you have been terrible,” said Ydris, more emotion in his voice than Daine had heard since that night when Ydris had made him feel special for the first time in his life. “I stopped seeing anyone, after your friend came over and talked to me. She made me think about a lot of things. How I’ve treated you. How much you obviously care for me. How much of a fool I’ve been, how much of a fool I’d continue to be, if I let you go.”

“It’s partially my fault too,” said Daine, his voice rough as tears fell down his cheeks. “I should’ve told you I wanted to be exclusive. Your… boyfriend.” The word felt foreign, even as it made his heart speed up.

“I should have seen,” said Ydris. “For someone who can scry into the future, I can be incredibly stupid.”

“I can’t argue with that,” said Daine. “But do you really mean it? You’re not just saying this because I tried to kill myself, are you?”

“No, my phoenix,” said Ydris. “I was on my way to have this discussion with you when… when I found you. And I was almost too late.” Ydris leaned towards Daine, wrapping his arms around him tightly, and Daine realised, as Ydris shook with sobs, that he’d never really seen his boyfriend cry before. Boy… but was he? He’d been thinking of them as that, until that fucking night at the disco.

“I believe you,” said Daine into Ydris’ shoulder. Ydris pulled away, looking at him. “Just… can we be exclusive? Because I can’t do this anymore, I can’t live knowing you’re with someone else, and I know that’s stupid, I know you can’t just live for someone, but I can’t stop feeling this way.” His breath hitched on a sob as more tears rolled down his face.

“Yes,” said Ydris, cupping Daine’s chin in his hand. “Yes, we can be boyfriends. Exclusive. I like that.” Tears brimmed in Daine’s eyes again as he threw his arms around his boyfriend, not even caring about how weak he was. He had Ydris now, and to hell with everyone else. Let them hate him. He had all he needed right here.


End file.
